sometimes, life's just not fair..
being more vocal allows you more opportunities..

why are some people given much more opportunities than others?
while i have to keep searching for opportunities that can allow me to shine..

things that i would love to go but i wasnt given the opportunities..
was it due to my incompetency... or was it biased-ness?

SIGH!

school's starting again..
the blues of school's starting again is worse than the usual sunday blues.. =(
just looking forward to a peaceful year..
after that, i hope i can go study overseas..

dear god, please give me the strength for this year..................

下一站，幸福

终于看完了下一站，幸福。。。
花了几乎三天的时间看完了。。笑了。。哭了。。
每次看完偶像剧就好像人生少了某些东西。。
这种感觉也应该很快就过去了。。毕竟是别人的故事。。

让我印象深刻的是一种活在谎言中的生活。。
在cambodia，这五年被视为我cambodia的爸爸，一个让我觉得cambodia businessnessmen 不一定是corrupted，让我能够相信的人，突然之间，有人告诉我他有多么的赖帐或吃钱。。突然间几乎就不能再相信他的感觉。是因为我的耳朵薄，容易被别人的话影响，还是这个是真的？

在爱情里曾经有过的承诺也可以变成谎言。还记得他曾经用sparklers 做成一个heartshape.也因为这样现在玩sparklers 会有一点的心酸，一点的痛。zl 说得对，旧情人可以造成生命的影响，可是这影响应该是好的，不应该让我无法move on in life的东西。偶尔想起就够了。

曾经以为是真实的，也可以变成维护自己的理由，遮掩自己的理由。曾经常觉得是自己的不好，自己的坏脾气造成了分手。其实平非如此。其实理由很简单。两个人是否能在一起不只是看他们两个是否相爱，还有好多理由。理由就是算命师所说的，也是因为父母的反对。

ly 问我现在快乐吗？我竟然回答不了。只能说生命还不够完整。我真的很傻！好多人告诉我，生命里自己一个人过也可以，不需要有什么伴侣？可是我做不到。就真的想有那么一个可以让我靠的肩膀，一个可以跟我分担快乐与忧愁的人。当我在学校有不愉快的时候，我可以第一个找他。我的东西多得快要连手都拿到痛，肩膀也酸了的时候，会有这么一个他可以来帮我。很多时候说我一个人行，一个人做得到，可是心里真的有很多害怕，很多时候觉得自己不行。毕竟我并没有表面上的勇敢和有自信。

rl问了我，＂即使他不是gay, 我真的能够把那已经分手一年三个月的另个他放在一旁吗？＂真的有点一针见血的感觉。我说我不知道。anyway, 这个月的没联络并没有让我很想他，反而我经常在不知不觉中拿起电话，scroll down to "e"..

是看了戏后造成的感觉，这是假的吗？还是看了戏，又激发内心深处的感受？

我的下一站会在哪里？真的会是幸福吗？也许我应该先想想三年四年后,bond 完了要做什么。

emotionally weak

now i know why mrs chin did not keep on insisting that we go visit syakirah..
i can't describe how upset and how helpless i felt looking at her..
it felt like the world has crumbled down for that moment when i saw her..
n then i realised, im emotionally weak..very weak..

the numberous tubes and machines that were on her..
i was at a loss for words..
all i could ask the nurse was " has she woken up?"
the nurse replied, "she's paralysed"
i didn't have the courage to ask further..
was it a wise choice to have gone for the surgery?
i hope she's not suffering now..
will the parents choose to let her go eventually?
will she wake up and feel worse than before?
i dunno.. why does God choose to make some people suffer so much? =(
sigh..all i can do now is to pray..

syakirah, i will be back to see you in December! You have already fought hard..keep fighting!
jia you! i will keep you in prayers..

perhaps, all i can do now is to pray..

Personal Taste

finally finished watching "Personal Taste"..
it felt like a continuous marathon.. and for the past 3 days, i was almost absorbed into the show..

i know each time when I finished a drama serials, i will feel a little empty.. cos there's probably nothing for me to look forward to..

sigh..anyway, whenever i watch drama serials, there will always be some scenes when I could draw parallels to my life..

have i really fallen for him? did i really hope that something would work out between us? but how? how could a gay ever like me? And would i reach the stage like kae-in, hoping to become a man whom he is capable of loving and even willing to marry him as a cover up.. sigh..i dunno.. i dunno if i have such strong feelings towards him that i am willing to go through all these for him.. because everyone around seems to tell me how lousy he is..yet, what i saw, was a guy whom i could call when i needed someone to talk to.. someone whom i thought if i were ever to get into trouble, he would be willing to help.. someone who would listen to me whine about my ex..see my tears when im sad..and just scold me when i do stupid things.. who would care for me when im drunk and scold me if i drink too much.. yet, this guy can't love me as a woman..perhaps, the divination was right.. "Do not hope for non-existent object and objectives." even if he can change his preference, there are so many other girls around him..

but do i have the right to fall in love again when i have not even gotten over edwin? when i would still unknowingly pick up my phone and wanna call him..

sigh..with all these, i can't help but feel that im closing doors to this one guy.. who would always take the initiative to talk to me on MSN.. to always want to find out why im feeling that way based on my MSN nick.. who's willing to go to JP to accompany me for lunch.. who's willing to send me to the bus stop and wait with me for the bus.. and to listen to all my whining from my ex-bf to tuition.. who put up with my emo thoughts during the travelling days..yet, deep in my heart, i know there was someone else whom i hope i could share all these with instead..can't help but feel that im selfish..

AND i had an argument with my mum again.. over my fat tummy.. sigh.. why can't we just be more amiable.....

BUT on a happier note, i got to see David the cutie and Duo Duo. Such lovely babies who just smile so radiantly. and espeically david, who remained so strong despite all the challenges.

gotta end now. need to catch back on work.

meaningful weekend spent with besties but it ended on a not-so-happy mood again..

As I grow older, I learn to treasure more and more of friends around me..
Glad to have spent the weekend with friends..
Sat: Cycling @ ECP with Rabi, Lala, YW and Ting + Wonderful lunch (duck rice/ porridge, chicken wings, stingray, lala and kangkong)
Sun: Dim Sum with bit and sean + prayers at temple + shopping @ Bras Basah + udders + nua-ing @ my house and bit's house..

i got a bad divination from the Kwan Im Thong Hood Cho (Temple).
"One dreams of wealth and status. Pop goes the dream like smoke. The endless sea and space do not accept one as rich. Wait till a Benefactor comes to help you."

Interpretation: Bad
Do not hope for non-existent object and objectives.
Work for success in a more concrete and genuine way.

I asked about marriage. Was it hinting anything? Perhaps, I wouldn't get married in the end. Perhaps, I shouldn't harbour any hopes for a patch back or to fall in love with a someone..
sigh.. =( was it hinting that whatever that I am doing has become more and more fake? n perhaps, I don't even realise it?

anyway, an uncle asked for $2 and i gave him. I didn't know how to reject him and i just gave him. for a moment, i hoped i had someone beside me..someone who can help me to discern the good and bad.. which i have not been able to do that..

then i saw photos on facebook. i was a little upset with myself for having being a little "loner" when i was doing practicum at ZSS, for not having a special clique in CDSS, for being too task oriented most of the times and forgetting, i'm dealing with humans, not just work.. just all in all, i felt shitty.. for having poor social skills.. i hope its not too late to change..
i think im trying to change.. but sometimes, i just find it so how to share my thoughts and feelings and just strike conversations with people.. i think im an introvert.. somehow, deep in my heart.. yah.. mm was right.. im just a boring person..

facebook is evil.

it was the topic that came up in today's discussion.
i still innocently asked "how come it is evil?"
then when i came back home, i realised i was upset after looking at facebook.

my friend valued a present that another friend gave more than the one she received from me.
sigh..my present was more expensive..and truthfully, I put in efforts in my presents. i wrote a small note for everyone.. perhaps, life was unfair..

i was upset when i was left out for some gatherings.. left out for food..

hai.. how come so upset? anyway, negativity seems to have set in tonight..
i was upset that my mum give face to one of my friends more than the other..
upset that i am still single and my mum keeps asking me to get married..
so angrily, i told her "I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED. I AM GOING TO BUY MORE INSURANCE COS I NEED TO MAKE SURE I AM WELL COVERED WHEN I AM ALONE."

need to stop for now..