i miss..

ah gong's funeral ended today. 5 long, tiring and upsetting days. i missed ah gong. missed his presence. missed him always asing me to eat. missed him always asking me when i am coming to teach joyce tuition. missed him asking how my studies are.ah gong said he wanted to see me graduate. why din he wait till den? only a fw more months.it will be the first ceremony that he can attend =( it happened all too sudden.ah gong was still ok when i saw him on sat. i saw him walk by himself, saw him eat but when i left, he din ask me when i was coming again le.mayb he knew his time was up.they said ah gong has been asking the time every 5mins that fateful day on 20th march."niang niang" said he was leavin soon but none of us expected it so fast.
hai..everyone grieved for ah gong's death but the funeral took much of our minds away. folding incense paper into money shapes, serving guests who paid their last respects to ah gong.i guess preparation for funeral is essential in a way, at least it helps to relieve some of the grief for the moment.

people always say, you usually get to see most relatives only during a wedding or during a funeral. yah. it was at the funeral that i saw all my closer relatives.but somehow it was too late.ah gong often complained that 3rd uncle's family dun visit him.it was true.they only appeared on special occasions.even when ah ma was hospitalized, they also din go and see.yet, they made so much noise at the funeral.wat's the point of trying to show filial piety when you weren't willing to show in the first place.mayb you were busy.but is busy a reason an excuse or reason? hai.now that ah gong has left. i also dun wish to pursue anymore.

the next thing that we can do is to take good care of ah ma.i feel very helpless when i see ah ma.i dunno how to help.anyway ah ma's gonna b quite lonely le.only got a maid to take care of her cos uncle has to work. hai.a big 5 room house only leeft 2 persons.hai.i hope ah gong can bless ah ma and that she will recover soon.

anyway i realized the importance of having kids. at least ah gong left in a "re re nao nao" way and also helped to relive the burden of the funeral.n the kids brought joy to us.the cute 1 year old tyan tyan trying to walk.3 month old baby looking at us with her bright eyes.the 2 year old yunli trying to talk but can't really hear clearly.at least when these kids came, the teary aunts could smile momentarily.

hai.seems like lotsa things happening at home.the whole funeral costs over 10K.hai.i wonder how poor people can afford these large sum of money.hai.anyway just now they arguing how to bring ah ma to hospital for physiotherapy.hai.i wished i could help in a way.

hai.i look forward to graduation.to start working.i doubt i will apply for overseas job.mayb not yet.at least i know i should stay around for a while to help out with the family.

hai.busy busy for the past few days. back to settling school work.project stuff.wished to have a break but no chance.hai.decided tat i wont go for extension.want to start looking for job and getting a job asap le.

thoughts over the weekend

wah..very long time nv post on blog le..
hai..laos and myanmar also no time to write about..
hmm..how cum always like no time..
sian.yesterday send emails can send till today 6am..amazingly..
sigh..anyway got a lot of things to say for these few days..

hmm..yesterday went to peninsula plaza to put donation tins..
along the way saw a few burmese.so pan asked them for donation..
wah..myanmar people are very willin to donate.one donated $5, another and severl $2. whoever she asked, he/she will donate.i guess this is the myanmar culture.many people mayb here but their hearts are back in their country.their shops have donaton tins that are raising funds for temples in myanmar.hmm.what about the Singaporeans in other countries? how do they feel?

anyway went to give joyce tuition after that.sigh.dunno y.hmm.i enjoy tutoring her tho i dun earn anything.but tutoring her has helped me become slightly close to my paternal side. however, being closer to the family also meant knowing more. n knowing more made me feel helpless.ah gong is old le..think he's 80 plus..starting to show child-like characteristics.wants the maid to go toilet for him and bathe for him..asked the maid to open ironing board just to see if she knows how to open. n ah gong is tormenting people around him like calling uncles/cousins and bluffin them he has fallen down so they would go c him.a little sad.ah gong used to drive the very very long lorries. ah gong used to tell me sensible things like "must study hard".now he came to tell me to ask the maid to go bathe when she didn't want to bathe.hmm.i rem cheng chye once mentioned about her mother.about remembering her good over the years rather than only in the recent years during her old age.i want to rem ah gong's good.to keep memories of his good rather than the child like, unsensible of him now.

ah ma just kena stroke. cried when i saw her at the hospital. someone who could wlak a few km.someone who could go to Genting, go for cruises, climb Great wall of china a few years back.now lying on bed and needs help to alk around.health is really a scary thing.that day i saw ah ma walking, the next day she felt like she was in bed. only got a chance to see her once. hafen had the time to visit her again =( but sometimes, it might be that i just dun want to go. felt helpless.

the maid at ah gong's hosue has been crying.got a chance to talk to her.she missed her 5 year old son.only been in singapore for 3 months. i guess its hard for her to adapt.but she said she has to work at least 10 months to repay the agent.dunno how she is going to sruvive the long 10 months without her son.but ah gong and all other relatives are complaining that she only knows how to cry but can't work.hai.how to care for the maids.at least i think she is ok. she does her basic duties well.jsut that her eyes are always puffy.i think she cries every night. her husband is a farmer. to choose a better life or to being able to live with the family.i guess everybody has different expectations in life. like pan's father.he told me that he would rather have his children back at home with him ,eat meals together. he dun need them to come to singapore and work so hard. anyway i feel like I want to help the maid and stopuncle from sackin her but how?helpless.

hai.think some maids are quite sad people.just like many foriegn workers from the thrid world countries. like alex' worker who is a graduate in india but he can't find job in india.became a construction worker here.but at least he gets a job.

next week is one whole week of carwash..hai..just watched ren ci charity show..very touching..exp. ming yi fa shi..its true.he has this "shi ming"..to care for, to give hope, raise funds for the ren ci patients..hmm..they were talking a lot about the patients in ren ci hospital..sounded very ppor thing..seems like many ppl in singapore need help..hai..but i am extendin help to overseas..hai..if someone were to ask, so many people in singapre need help, y go overseas? i may not be able to answer them convincinly but i know that 10K in myanmar/ cambodia would mean much more than in singapore.

hmm.actually i dunno y i am stilldoing education projects.yah.education is important in the long run.but i feel more for the sick and the orphans.will i be able to do anything for them?hai.i havent had the chance to really do what i feel for.hmm.actually without a school, students can still study.if there's really this will to study, under a tree, in the monastery..any place can be a school.so y am i still doin this project?hai.but at least i know that this project can help the locals and our own people.it can definitely changed some people.but how much impact it can bring to the community may be low and it will still not a project that i wil be very satisfied with cos there are more issues that i feel for. the sick, the poor and the orphans. no matter how good the sch, without the means to survive, in terms of health and food, the sch can't go far.
hai.wait till i have more chance to know a place.to go to a really poor place. to do an income generation project like the weavin centre.but i think to do all these, i need the contacts..either with an ngo.or to be able to sustain the project with trusted locals.like orphanages or some factory to generate income.

hai.mayb all the projects were done too hastily.guess i need more time to research and find the areas that i feel more for and really work for it.

hai.feeling tired.still need to write a thank you speech for pa8 donors..
how come like not enough time.i have less tuition.one less module.hai.
dunno.mayb i haf been tired for too long.