MOE has replied.

Yes. MOE has replied on Tuesday, 17 July 2007. Dad called me when I was working at the clinic. he sounded quite happy excited. I asked what it said inside but he din understand.

and it so happened that i met a primary school friend, yu qing. hmm.not very close de. but its kinda i know you, you know me.was jus catchin up about life.

and i shared with her that im going to be a teacher. and it so happened that there was a teacher in the clinic, accompanying his dad for a check up. and she strongly discouraged me to be a teacher. some things that she shared was like..every department ranks their teachers accordingly. if you are ranked last in the department, you won't get any bonus for the year *shocked* ranking is done by the HOD so you have to have really good relationship with the HOD. hmm. file checks = checking if teachers have done their work. if students don't do work, they submit empty files, the teachers are the ones who get it. explain to the HOD and principal lor. so she stayed back with her student till 5 plus to make sure they submit their compositions. and teachers are complained for marking assignments too slowly. but a teacher has no control over the assignments that she has to give even though she might not have the time to finish marking cos the school designates the amount of work.

hai. so my mood's really dampened. =( anyway, the letter wrote that i need to serve one to one-half year of contract until nie has vacancy. which means my bond might stretch up to 5.5 years. and i will turn 27 by then.woah.very long.

hai.and the pay for contract teaching is not very worth it and the pay for being a teacher is not really that fantastic either. hai.

huey lin also kinda discouraged me. "you can't just 'don't mind' teaching but you have to be passionate about it." hmm. i dunno if i ever had the passion.

i'm so lost.

hmm.den i met Tremandy at the SCS Volunteers' Connection and she was encouragin me to go for a one year full time conversion degree in social work. lack of social workers in the market. hai. but i think i need to work first. degrees can come in later.

hai. i told mum and dad i might not want to go for teaching. dad was very encouraging. most importantly is your interest. yes. interest. but i dunno what i really want either. i guess as long as i can get to communicate with people.

and i have the urge to pursue a medical degree and forget about this whole thing on working. but i think i shouldn't add on to the financial burden in the family

but i heard about the interesting stories at school from ivan.rem about rl's stories from his sch. and rem ah tiang's excitment when she shared her school exposure. hai. teaching might not be that bad. if i were to reject MOE, i will nv know when i will find the job.its even more stressful.hai.perhaps, in a way, being a teacher is an easy way out for me.

came home today and i saw mum and dad watching tv in the room. sis went genting for holidays. they were so tired that they fell asleep with the TV on. hai. looking at them makes me just want to get a job and stop letting them worry about my job finding.to be able to give them money every month. let them stop working and start travelling. hai. so i guess i will take up teaching.

hai. sounds so "bo bian".i think i will enjoy teaching. i hope i can overcome all the politics, all the administrative problems. and i just find that the pay should be higher. hai. so i guess i will just have to give more tuitions to supplement the teacher's pay. hai. suddenly sound so money minded.

sleepy again. it has been a long weekend.

it is cruel to abort but..

hmm..in school, we have always been taught..dun haf pre-marital sex..cos if you have a baby, you would have to abort..i still rem the video on abortion..the tongs/tweezers crushed the baby..its painful..its a life..all of us or i should say most of us know..its cruel to abort a baby..

but there are still ppl who chose to have pre-marital sex..and unprotected sex..and so when there is a baby, cannot abort..but the path to no abortion comes with great responsibility..a duty that will last for a lifetime..its not just about giving birth to a life and that's it..but a life that you have to take care for your lifetime..which is y "we are always a child in our parents' eyes"..and somehow, you would lose the freedom to do many other things..like wat the aunties in my clinic tell me..hmm..and yes, cos being underage, you need special license..you need parental support and approval..its not as simple as going to ROM and getting married..hai..these are things not covered in the textbooks..textbooks only tell us that it is not right to abort..but there are so many more things behind the "no abortion"..so in the end, when something happened and you decided that the baby should be kept, and then you realized got so many things to do, you can't just say "so mafan" and decides mayb the baby shouldn't be kept..hai..the baby is like a matter of convenience..

hai..im worried for my friend..its a long long way to go..im worried for the kid too..i think every child deserves to have a complete family..but a couple who has not much plans for future..its scary..statistics have shown that teenage marriages don't last..i hope and i pray that this won't fall into the statistics..

yah..maybe i should be more optimistic..and im going to opt to be the godmother!!

A happy thing a day keeps sadness away

I rem wan xuan say how she kept herself happy everyday..write down a happy thing that happened to you daily..haha..
yah..so i think i should learn to record one happy thing everyday..
anyway i din go back to school to help rag today..think i really needed time for myself to do the things that I need to do..somehow it made me feel better..=)
celebrated bao's, yt's, man's, kl's birthday yesterday..
yea..thats a happy thing too!!

and here's a piece of happy news
http://www.irrawaddy.org/article.php?art_id=7324
And so the title reads:
More than 10,000 Burmese migrants in Thailand’s Mae La refugee camp could soon be resettled in the US

that was the refugee camp we visited during Project Angel 9..
being a refugee isn't entirely hopeless..
the hopes of being resettled..despite being a so-called "3rd class citizen"..
at least they have a chance to start over again..
rather than waiting aimlessly for myanmar to regain peace and stability..
rather than being stuck within the compounds of the camp..
but yet, there are people who are willing to stay in the camp and continue to be refugees..

anwyay i received news from ku doe, the handsome teacher in K.E.D.
he's applying to go to umpium camp to be a refugee to have a chance to be resettled in US.
he says he's working towards his future..
he doesn't want to be stuck at teaching as a illegal immigrant in a school..

hmm..and suddenly i felt im glad to be able to call singapore my home.

im talking to the blog..

i was msging huey lin the other day "im in the anti-social mode today..dun feel like talking online"..hai..mayb thats y..i'm talkin lots to the blog..

got to meet sze jie today!! so happy..has been 2 years since we last met..but none of us has really changed so at least we could still talk to each other..it kinda felt awkward initially..too long nv c also dunno where to start from.. but we slowly opened up..talking about future, abt jobs, abt relationships..its nice to meet up with an old friend..

i called alex and i ended up in tears again. as much as i wish to help him as a friend, i felt really unappreciated..mayb it was the way i talked..mayb we really couldn't communicate..but i have decided that i should just keep myself away..why should i continue to let myself be hurt..be upset..sounds like a selfish thot..but its been too tiring for me..

mayb i just don't have luck for any relationships..mayb i have too high expectations and everything just go hay-wire..mayb i have not been understanding enough and i have been imposing too much..mayb im just not the right person to help him thru..

i don't know who reads my blog but whoever reads and knows which alex i am talking about, and if you are a friend of him, talk to him and give him a pair of listening ears and help him thru..

as for me, i have given up...

hai..everyday just seemed to pass lidat. i quarrelled with mum about being a teacher.i kinda felt "forced" into teaching by mum when i needed more time to think about what i really wanted to do..sigh..

its another day

just reached home..and i was scolded by mum and dad again..
it has always been the same things for the past few days..why are you always going to school? why are you not finding a job? why you havent started working?
hai..i dunno y they don't understand that i am still waiting for MOE's response.
if MOE rejects me, i will find again..dunno leh..im kinda tired looking for jobs..
and i have a fear, i have a fear that if i look for other jobs, i might start getting interested in other jobs or even get selected..and in the end, i rejects MOE again..sigh..den i might get barred from MOE for life? hai..so many consideration..mayb im just taking the east way out..
wait and c what MOE responds..
hai.anyway i just received a rejection email from Ministry of Foreign Affairs (yah..i applied for a job at MFA as a Foreign Service Officer) to work at embassies.
i always get affected when i c uncles and aunties picking cans from the dustbins..hai..i wonder how much they can earn..its really not easy money..hai..and the uncle i met today was a young chap, think he's slightly younger than my dad.. (cos got less white hair)..yah..and i saw him gong from dustbin to dustbin looking for cans.. =(
hai..just makes me wonder if he's alone..if he has a family..and y he is doing all these?

hmm..den it makes me start thinking about what i really want to do..if i really can become a teacher, what can i do during these few months before i go NIE?
hai..i really feel like going to Cambodia and teach for 3 months..but then again, looking at the uncle today, i guess there are many people here whom i can help in Singapore itself..at least if i stay, i can teach more tuition kids, teach my cousin, continue my work..
but then again, having 3 months off may not be what i can enjoy in future..i should consider going overseas..at least i feel more at ease overseas than in Singapore..at least when im overseas, i can control where i want to head to and i know my help can impact..but back in singapore, i feel small, unsure about what i want to do..

sleepy again..yawnz..

hai..was looking at the last post and realized i was kinda incoherent..

anyway yesterday zhen left for australia..really envy her..i also want to go overseas to study/ work..hai..but..hmm..she and her bf lasted for about 4 years plus le..wah..so touching lor..looking back at my past relationships, i can only sigh..

actually..i kinda disliked my own life..if the clock could turn back again, i would want to start all over again..but i doubt i can..actually it all started from jc..i think i would have enjoyed more if i went to hcjc..i think i should have studied harder for As and done better..i think i wouldnt be a CI..i think i would just want to really do well for As..and i think i really want to do well in uni too...

i met this primary school friend's mum at the clinic..she was shocked that i graduated with a degree without honors..ya..cos i was one of the top students in primary school..my tuition kid was asking me about my O level results..yah..i was a 6 pointer but i din really do well for A levels and I just graduated with a degree without honors..she was shocked too..i saw my jc friend and when she knew i was graduating without honors, she was like saying " what happened to you?!"

hai..why must there be a mindset that xiaojun is always very smart and that she is expected to ace all her exams? its tiring to be living up to other people's expectations and feeling disappointed when everything just seems to fail =( studying hard and doing well has not been what i am capable of since JC times..something went wrong..but i nv knew what it was..

but time can't go back..and now, i just have to bear with what i have become..

been reading " tuesdays with morrie" and i don't know why, i just had this urge to be a volunteer teacher in Cambodia for the next few months before i go nie..if not, i really don't know when i will have the chance..i feel like giving up my sec 4 tuition kid since i only just started 1 lesson..but then again, when i went for tuition with my cousin today, i was really motivated to see her through PSLE..to see that she at least passes and goes to a secondary school..i feel this obligation towards her..as far as i would wish that i could really do something for myself, i felt that she needed someone to help her..hai..i was touched when she told me that her Maths has improved..at least she doesn't fail. it may not really be my efforts but im glad to be with her as she crosses her first PSLE hurdle..

hai..so i might not be going overseas..hai..so confusing..mayb i should just stay in singapore..there's so mnay voluntary organizations in singapore that i can help..so i might just stay on and be an active member..

hai..more and more things to think about..sigh..

its been a looong time since i last blogged..

Hmm..as the title goes..its been a long time since i last blogged..more than 3 months..actually i thought my next post should be on Laos, on PA9 but..
im looking for a time when I can really sit down on e whole day at home, look through the photos, select photos that I want to develop, recall the memories and blog..
hai..but everyday has been like a mad rush..hai..looking forward to that one day =(

feeling a little nostalgic here..so decided to start posting..hmm..was at nelson's birthday party where they started talking about np stuff and about some np people..then i realised i haven really kept in touch with any CIs over the past few courses..i think its kinda sad..mayb when i get married, i won't have anyone whom I can invite..what a thought..just felt that everyone seemed to have their own cliques but i don't seem to fall into any clique..i also want to be able to have friends whom I can call out for a gathering as and when i feel like..but now, it seems so uncomfortable if I were to meet up with any group in particular..hmm..think I sound kinda lonely..mayb i have always been..

someone used to ask why I am always so busy..hai..i also dunno..there just always seems to be enough things for me to stay busy but I never knew what I was busy for..

it was nice meeting up with hazel on Monday..she's so adventurous..looking for all sorts of jobs..she doesn't mind low pay so long that she can learn..which is why she is happy with her a thousand plus job..hmm..she mentioned something that was so true "people tend to regret things that they did not do more than things that they did" hai..

im lost about what I want to do..be a teacher?i was touched by what ronglun said today..about how the teachers helped the Norm tech students build up their portfolio by asking them to do technical stuff..like their CIP was to design a toy and go to MINDS and share with them stories..
there was this guy who won a few awards for his products..when rl asked where he intended to study after this, he said, " aeronautical engineering" at ite dover..but he scared he has problems with transport costs becasue its very expensive..
hai..its kinda xin suan to hear of such real-life examples..transportation costs of $90 a month is a problem..hai..=( these are also people whom I can help..being a teacher is some kinda social worker too?mayb I don't really have to go for another part time degree in social work to get a social work-related job?

it feels terrible to have graduated and don't know where to go..hai..everytime i meet up with friends, its almost aobut the same thing..about finding a job..a direction..and building up the career..but im so lost..just simply lost..i dont mind teaching and yet, I want to explore mor options that I have.. =(

and today, I was really really touched to receive the call from Julius..all the way from Australia to congratulate me on my graduation..julius, if you are reading this, thank you..even though that you forgot the exact date, at least the thought still counts!!