tired eyes..

eyes are feeling tired..just cried again..edwin specially came to meet me after my tution at 10.15pm..and showed me the video that he has compiled so that I can watch it when he was away..

tears just started rolling from the start of the video till after the video..really touching..he really took lotsa efforts to compile the video..somemore..he had no prior experience doing it..it wasn't easy..though it was only a short 1 year that we have been together, there were lotsa memories..

i have fears..fears that i may not have the strength to carry on this long distant relationship..i know that technology is advanced..but listening and watching can't be compared to meeting a person in real..it just worries me about losing that pillar of support for the next few months..i guess i'm not really s tough as I seem..

(just woke up from my sleep)..its only 4th day of practicum..so tired le.. sigh..

disoriented

was talkin to woman online..my nick was "feeling a little empty" and her nick was "disorientation"..hmm..as we were talking, i realized why both of us had similar emotions..it was after our overseas trip..hers was nepal..mine was cambodia..

i also dunno how to describe this feeling..i teared on the plane back to singapore from cambodia..din know y..just a feeling of "she bu de" overwhelmed me..

back in singapore..things were just different..the hectic lifestyle which began with trying to tie up loose ends for GESL camp..and preparing for practicum..till the actual practicum..

there's always this question.."what can i do for the cambodians there? what is more that i can do?" "how can i progress with life?" it feels sick to be "engulfed" by the work..

hai. been hearing news about jc classmates..4/9 classmates..hai..i just feel very small and ashamed of myself..scholars..phD..doctors..bankers..i'm just a teacher..a job that "any man can"..
sigh..edwin says i shouldn't compare..be glad with what i have..but i just feel wasted.. i guess i should have achieved more..sometimes, i hesitate about going for such gatherings.. when people share about how they have progressed in life, how good their lives were now..den i will feel very inferior..teaching is just one other job..somemore, i'm not a scholar..and i am just someone with a basic degree..sometimes, just feel really shitty..

hai...

I need a direction in life..

Its been months since i last blogged..hai..i always seem to blog unhappy things..wan xuan once told me to blog happier things so that when i looked back, i would feel happier too..but..

happy things seem to pass away quickly for me..there was once I asked my Korean tutee to write an English essay on "The happiest day in my life", it suddenly dawned upon me that I couldn't quote him an example when I was really really happy. yah. so i concluded. i am probably a not-so-happy person.

I am feeling tired now..but i just thought..if i dun blog, my emotions will forever be trapped inside..maybe it might make things worse..

hai..just received news about my jc friends..it just dawned upon me that everyone's doing so well in life and i just seems to pale in comparison..hai..my msn nick now is " i'm feeling empty"..yah..its so true..i dunno want i want to do in life..

yes.i have been doing community service work..but my work does't seem to be sustainable..build schools..teach the students..but after that, many can't find a job..or many still did not continue schooling..hmm..i wonder how far my help to them has stretched..spoke to Kelvin online a few days back and he mentioned about the work that he has been doing..social enterprising..there was this project for a group of nepalese single mothers..they set up factory to make clothes and they market the clothes for sale in singapore..at least it helps to generate the income for the people..its more sustainable..den i suddenly feel very small..dunno what i have been doing for the past few years..=(

I dunno how strong my belief is as a teacher..i dunno what i want to do after my 3 year bond..i know i want to study some more..but study what..hai..feeling so lost.. =(