it's thursday today..
feel like blogging..
maybe cos weekend's coming!
now i know why working people always look forward to weekends..

anyway, I have more or less decided that I should not stay in this school..
actually nothing big really happened..
yesterday, there was class observation..so i had to go for the post observation debrief..

she said, "meet at 1pm"..so i went to look for her at 1pm.
i was super hungry le but i still went to look for her..
but i couldn't find her..called her and also din get her as well..

so i decided to go have lunch and looked 4 her at 1.30pm..
when i reached there, she gave me the face and said "why so late?"

den i said i came down at 1pm but i din find you..and i called you also couldn't get you..
so i thought u were busy and came down later lor..
she said, "got call me meh?" den she checked her phone den realised have.. =(

so we went on to the room for discussion..
she asked me how were my comments during the last observation with Wendy..
so i said i was told to do more hands-on..

den she asked if i was more comfortable teaching biology or chemistry..
i said biology..den she asked what i got for O level chem..whether it was pure chem..
and what i got for A level chem..
sigh..den she asked what i did at university..
i just thought it felt kinda demeaning to be like checking my results..
Hai.nvm.i did make a few mistakes and mayb my chem concepts aint that good.

so she commented about my lessons. not enough checks. going too fast. need to give more examples.den need to be consistent in writing equations. cos some are chemical; some were word equations. there were lotsa things on the paper.there were mistakes that i made (i saw that she wrote on the notes) but she din want to say.

it feels like she would want me not to do well. =(

den today, she yelled at me and showed me attitude when it was actually another teacher's forgetfulness..n i thought it was just a small thing..dunno y she has to be so upset with the other teacher as well..

i dun like superiors who are angry people..better get away before its too late..

its 7:07am..got to rush off..but i better write before i get busy with the week..
feeling kinda tired cos of the packed weekend..
but i felt it was really meaningful..
having to go for the workshop, class gathering, grandma's house and edwin's father's birthday dinner could be at the expense of my work..but i felt that it's all worth it..

time spent was really meaningful and this was what work couldn't give me..

My prof's coming to observe my lesson on Friday..
i have been working on it since sunday..
but progress has been slow..
and i feel kinda brain stuck..

i'm going to finish 5 weeks of practicum le!!

so much things have happened..
student borrowing money..
students staring at each other and wanting to fight..
sending students out of class..
wearing indian costume for traditional costume..
hearing negative comments that i can't teach yet there were students who ask me to teach them for their remedial classes..
chasing homework from students..
calling student to remind him to bring workbook..
seeing my rapport with the classes improve over time..
feeling more confident of teaching the classes..
setting quizzes..
marking work that students do not seem to have put in effort..
marking tests..

one of the greatest challenge was teaching the normal tech..
how to make the environment conducive for those who want to learn..
teaching norm tech can be demoralising but deep down, i know most of the students do bother about their grades..just like i saw d flipping his textbook to find out what the answer was after the quiz..

practicum has been ok for me.. despite the stress, i really enjoy the interaction with the students..especially with the Sec 4 NT students..there's just this charm in them..

hai.. but deep down, i know I have not come to terms with my own self..with my current status..with my job..with who I am now..

i just feel lousy to be holding a normal, ordinary degree and slogging as a teacher..when others somehow expected that I was a scholar..but i'm not and I can't be..

feel so small when i hear of friends achieving so much..masters, PhD, scholars, first class honors, lawyers, doctors..while im just slogging away as a trainee teacher..working on lesson plans, powerpoint slides in the staff room.. =(

mayb i am really sick..i need to realize my worth all over again..

tears in the classroom

broke down in 2T1 class today =(
i always hear stories of teachers leaving classrooms in tears..and i never knew that would happen to me..until today..
i din want to cry..i din want to look weak..but i just felt this sense of helplessness..
how can i ever teach these group of students? how can i ever make them learn something at the end of my lesson? why is it having put in effort to prepare for a lesson just became unappreciated?

after 2T1 class, i went straight to 3N1..it hurts when students say, " teacher, you don't need to teach la..we just read notes can liao.." or "i would rather have another teacher to teach"..

wats wrong? am i such a bad teacher? =( maybe my classroom management sucks..maybe i just sucks..

when can i blog some happy stuff?