postmortem...

had a talk with edwin.
as expected, he just kept on saying that it was just a passing comment.
at the end of the conversation, i just said " yes. i want to break up."
And he agreed.

So many breakups have been mentioned.But this was the first time i looked into his eyes and said that.
i know each time i said "breakup", it hurts him a lot..
but breaking up always seem to me as the fastest and the best solution.
i told myself not to cry.
calmly, i removed our photo from the wallet and the photos from the wall..
i even thought about the things that I needed to hand over to him. i really wanted to have a clean break with him.

but soon after that, i broke down. it was painful. more painful that hearing the comment about "buying a present is compulsory, if not kena".

hai. come to think of it, he probably said so of the experience from valentine's day when he got into trouble cos he did not prepare anything. hai. i thought i could compromise on it. no need to celebrate valentine's day or anniversaries. then lidat won't have anymore arguments. cos even if he tries to do anything, i will jsut think that he is making up for things or worried of getting scolded. there are just some guys who do not see the importance of valentine's day or anniversaries..so just let it be lor..

but then, i still cannot bring myself to accept the fact about getting married at 30 years old..
so perhaps, i just have to stick to this decision.

hai. relationships take up a lot of time. could have done so much more work without all these nonsense.

not so great end to the week..

13 august,Thursday:
that fateful night, edwin happened to tell me about his schoolmate who knew me from primary school..
i dunno who she was..so he asked me to log into his facebook account to take a look at her..
i still dunno her even after looking at her profile..strangely..

anyway, edwin was having a chat with avril on facebook..so i just took a look at the chatbox..he was asking her to accompany him to buy a present for our 2 year anniversary..avril said it was sweet of him..but edwin actually replied " no la..i think its compulsory..if not, will kena"..

i was super upset and hurt after reading this comment..
i din know that getting or doing something for me for anniversary was an obligation..it was for fear of getting scolded..i refused to talk to him for the rest of the night..
edwin sms-ed and asked me not to be angry.. it was just meant to be a passing remark..a joke..a comment fashion.. he said he can't take it when im upset..
sigh..but why does he somehow make me upset..=(
he said it was nothing serious..but i really took it to heart..
if such a thot hasn't crossed his mind, why would he ever say so?
at least such a thot has never crossed my mind..
at times ,when i was busy and felt that there was no need to get anything for him, i just told him straightaway and he understood..if he din want to get anything for him, just tell me..
why does he need to tell a female friend that it was compulsory to get?

pehaps guys always say such things..but i can't take it when that guy is my bf.
im sure that there is a guy in this world who can be more sincere about remembering anniversaries..
at least i know my dad does..=)
utterly disappointed..
though edwin tries to apologize, but i just can't seem to accept the apology..

told lala and gang..about the incident and all agreed that i had the right to be angry..
ting even added that how come he doesn't know me enough that he needs to get another female friend to go with him to buy a present for me..sigh..
even tho it was supposed to be a happy meet up with lala sharing about her marriage proposal..but in the end, my heart was so heavy..and looking at lala and rabi getting married next year and next next year, i am just so envious..

actually, up till now, i still cannot come to terms about marrying edwin at the age of 30..i really cannot take it..
i also can't accept the fact that he din bother to do or get anything for valentine's day and went home to have dinner with his family..i still can't forgive him for saying that it was compulsory to get me a present..
i feel like giving up the relationship..despite all the good things he has done for me..taking care of me when i was sick, learning to play guitar, especially the songs i like, holding onto the relationship, but things that really matter to me a lot in the relationship (like listening to me talk, showing concern for me, putting in efforts on special occasions) , he just can't seem to do it right..edwin always says he loves me..but what kinda love is that when i always end up feeling upset and unhappy and in tears? he says i mean the world to him..what kinda meaning is that when he doesn't even bother to know what i need?

i am losing faith in the relationship again..no matter how hard i try to be positive, i just can't..
i can't seem to trust what edwin says..because he can say one thing in front of me but say or do another kinda thing behind my back..
i need a relationship where the guy cares about valetine's day ( i dun need flowers..but show me that you bother that it is valentine's day)..i need a guys who remembers it is our anniversary..and this guy needs to be willing to do things for that occasion not because of obligation but because he wants to..

i feel like giving up the relationship..because i know that even if we get over with this argument, deep down in my heart, when it comes to valentine's day or anniversaries, i will remember whatever that had happened..even when he tries to do anything for these 2 days, i would still think that he is doing it for the sake of doing it..not because he wants to..so how to survive this kinda relationship for the years to come?

dear god, pls tell me what to do..

a great start of a week..

It was a great start of week 7..(as teachers, we go by week no..Week 10 is coming!! it means holidays are coming too!)

8 August, Saturday:
Went to school in the morning but the school was closed!sigh..
went back home..
did a bit of marking..

shashi came to pick me up from my house..so nice of him! (but he was 20 minutes late..)
he thot that the ruling was that i would only come down when he gives me a call..
aiyoh..how i know..i thought i should go down at the pre-arranged timing..

hmm..we went to shop at jurong point..
i bought corn for BBQ and kinder brueno for the kids..
yanming said he had no time so we helped him to buy some potato chips..
shashi wanted to buy swensen's ice cream..we were already at the swensen's shopbut cos of me, the auntie, around, the auntie mentality was in the air, he decided to go back to NTUC to buy cheaper ice cream..lol..but of cos, he had wanted to save money as well~! pay day was still 4 days away...

anyway we still remembered to buy a chicken pie each before heading off to mdm fatimah's house..lol
we were almost an hour late..but anyway, we still had the time to run!
woah..think the whole run was about 15 km..
i was feeling lazy, tired and a little weak...
i couldn't really run after about 5km..and i was walking most of the time..
at the start, was walking with yanming..
yanming commented that i should run, landing on my heels instead of on the toes, for long distance..
thot it was quite true cos my toes kinda hurt a little after the 5km jog..

then after that yanming picked up speed and i ended up walking back with shashi..
shashi shares a lot with me..but somehow, i felt bad cos i could't really help much or give any advice/ opinions..
all i could do was only listen..but he said it was good enough..hmm..

in any case, there were always racist jokes around..
back at fatimah's house, had a shower (i din know how to pull the thinggy to turn to the shower mood so i was bathing from a hose..how lame that was!)
had a good dinner with prawns, stingray, chicken wings, chicken curry, pasta, etc.

after that i was jamming time..i felt a little useless cos tho i had grade 8 piano, icouldn't play any piece without a score..mdm fatimah, her husband, hamim, shashi and yanming were good. they could play the song just by hearing..so in the end, i only played 6 notes for the whole song..
sigh..
i must say that yanming was impressive..cos we recorded the song and when we played back, he was able to point out the flaws in the playing...and he could play the drums, the guitar and the keyboard..not bad..
but too bad, i can't really be like him..

had a guitar sing-a-long session before it was time for ice cream and the blackforest cake!
had a talk and fatimah was giving advice to yanming on how he should make something big if he changes to pe department..
left her house at about 2am..

and shashi wrote a note on the facebook about how it was an 8 hour ve lesson on family..
i never knew shashi's whole story about his family..
but he mentioned how he admired mdm fatimah's family..and i agreed too!! she had such close bonds with her husband and children, despite being a HOD in school with a heavy workload..4 adorable children who were so well-behaved..and how supportive her husband was..

9 august, sunday:
it was a long-awaited meet up with swee leng, shernise and chuay sia!
its been a long time since we met swee leng..
i was really happy to see her, listen to her share about her new job as a research coordinator..
basically just to see her move on with her life with a new job..
finally our meet up conversations moved away from school and students..

anyway it was national day..we wanted to say the pledge at 8.22pm but nobody at the restaurant did that..sowe decided not to..anyway the restaurant at Liang court was good..free flow of drinks..and the food was yummy..and not too expensive!

11 august, tuesday:
stayed back after school with my students for Zipline and abseiling..
the highlight was when rohana went down the zipline, she actually shouted " Miss Lin, I'm sorry!"
she apologized for always running away from me for npcc and chemistry..
i was really touched..hope she really meant it..

tried the abseiling..
but after coming down from the abseiling..i felt some kinda backache..must be really old...

12 august,wednesday:
went to KAP with the usual Ls group..
it was a sudden awakening call,..reality..
when roz started talking about ranking and how we should do something big that can be recognized..
sigh..i doubt i have anything big..
i will probably just end up with a bad grading..
hai..i dun really care leh..
i just believed in doing what i feeli should do for my students..
but reality is not that so..
sigh..

13 august, thursday:
due to some unforseen circumstances, alice needed a lift home!
shashi and yaming were not around..so i took the initiative to take shashi's car and drive alice home!
woah..i was amzaed that i could do it!! manual car..
thanks shashi and alice for that confidence in me!! =)

anyway i was spotted by students driving shashi's car..furthermore, i was using shashi's homeroom for AIP..started another round of rumours among students and weird looks from m..somehow, i felt that i needed to stay away from him..somehow..

A beautiful week

i guess i should learn to be more positive..
looking back at my previous posts, they are often so depressing..
and my emo-ness and negative-ness have nearly cost me a relationship.. =(

i remembered wan sean once mentioned that about writing 1 positive thing/ happy thing everyday..
then one can be happier..guess i need to try doing it..maybe not 1 happy thing everyday but at least a few everyday.

Saturday, 1st August:
Happening Saturday! went for the OSIM trialthon. can feel the spirit of trialthon! its really not about winning but completing the whole race..
was kinda worried about completing the trialthon last and disappointing the teammates but..
i managed to complete it and i was NOT the last..lol..
we all had fun! =)

BUT the part that i was really looking forward to was lunch..lol..
had maggi goreng and nasi goreng ikan bilis! =)

went back home..did a bit of marking and met shashi again..
we wanted to give a surprise visit for yanming at the house of rock (tanglin shopping center)!
woah..it was an eye-opener..people there looked like they were possessed..their heads were nodding in rhythm to the heavy metal music..
and the vocalists all sang as though they were "god" (probably they were more satan-looking lor)
it was expensive to enter..the cover was $15 plus drinks $12..but it was for the experience and to support a friend..so i guess its really worth it!


Sunday, 2nd August: I'm really thankful to have Edwin as my boyfriend..No matter what happens, despite all the nonsense and the constant break-ups that i always talk about, he still holds on to the realtionship. He says he wants to be a changed person, a better person for his girl. so touched! =)
guess its time i do something for him too..


Monday, 3 Aug: the results for the OSIM trialthon (1st August) was out!
I ran 5km in 30.35 min! actually i dun think its really fast..
but the consolation was that it was my first competitive 5km and of course, the encouragement from the colleagues!
the target for me was 30min and i somehow did it! =)



Anyway dear played guitar for me via SKYPE! =P

Wednesday, 5 Aug:
Went to watch the SING DOLLAR musical comedy..starring Emma Yong, Hossan Leong, Kumar, Lim Kay Siu, Najip Ali, Pam Oei, Sebastian Tan and Selena Tan
Woah..the musical was really funny and the songs were great!
i will want to watch such a musical with dear in future..i'm sure he will like it..=)

but the interesting part was that we had dinner at a very ATAS restaurant..
all the decorations were very nice...nice tall chairs..decorations of roses..
i will bring dear to eat there next time~! lol.. (paying a little more for the atmosphere tho..) =P


Thursday, 4 Aug:
Went to the somerset pub with Shashi and Yanming =)
had 1.5 mug of carlsberg, 1.5 glass of martini (lychee + something else which i dunno), about half bottle of corona..
i never knew i could drink so much..
BUT i did.. actually felt a bit guilty for drinking and spending money..
but i enjoyed the company..
its nice to just chill out at a pub with friends..(especially on a weekday)


Friday, 5 Aug:
it was national day celebration (thats y i could go drink on a Thursday night..)
students went from station to station to play various games..
was in charge of the fencing game..
went to marina to sing KTV with sujuan, alice, xiuyun, shubing and fiona!! =)
realised i havent really sung ktv for about 3 months..nice!

had a nice talk with dear..haha..
i thought dear would be worried and unhappy that i went drinking with my colleagues..
BUT strangely, he was happy for me..cos at least he knew i was hanging out with friends and i could take some time off from worksheets =)
felt uncomfortable..i actually asked him to be a MCP and controlled me a little more! lol
but i guess there is this strong trust and belief that we shared between us.. =)

its saturday..looking forward to tonight's events! =) and hopefully the week ahead! =)