not so great end to the week..

13 august,Thursday:
that fateful night, edwin happened to tell me about his schoolmate who knew me from primary school..
i dunno who she was..so he asked me to log into his facebook account to take a look at her..
i still dunno her even after looking at her profile..strangely..

anyway, edwin was having a chat with avril on facebook..so i just took a look at the chatbox..he was asking her to accompany him to buy a present for our 2 year anniversary..avril said it was sweet of him..but edwin actually replied " no la..i think its compulsory..if not, will kena"..

i was super upset and hurt after reading this comment..
i din know that getting or doing something for me for anniversary was an obligation..it was for fear of getting scolded..i refused to talk to him for the rest of the night..
edwin sms-ed and asked me not to be angry.. it was just meant to be a passing remark..a joke..a comment fashion.. he said he can't take it when im upset..
sigh..but why does he somehow make me upset..=(
he said it was nothing serious..but i really took it to heart..
if such a thot hasn't crossed his mind, why would he ever say so?
at least such a thot has never crossed my mind..
at times ,when i was busy and felt that there was no need to get anything for him, i just told him straightaway and he understood..if he din want to get anything for him, just tell me..
why does he need to tell a female friend that it was compulsory to get?

pehaps guys always say such things..but i can't take it when that guy is my bf.
im sure that there is a guy in this world who can be more sincere about remembering anniversaries..
at least i know my dad does..=)
utterly disappointed..
though edwin tries to apologize, but i just can't seem to accept the apology..

told lala and gang..about the incident and all agreed that i had the right to be angry..
ting even added that how come he doesn't know me enough that he needs to get another female friend to go with him to buy a present for me..sigh..
even tho it was supposed to be a happy meet up with lala sharing about her marriage proposal..but in the end, my heart was so heavy..and looking at lala and rabi getting married next year and next next year, i am just so envious..

actually, up till now, i still cannot come to terms about marrying edwin at the age of 30..i really cannot take it..
i also can't accept the fact that he din bother to do or get anything for valentine's day and went home to have dinner with his family..i still can't forgive him for saying that it was compulsory to get me a present..
i feel like giving up the relationship..despite all the good things he has done for me..taking care of me when i was sick, learning to play guitar, especially the songs i like, holding onto the relationship, but things that really matter to me a lot in the relationship (like listening to me talk, showing concern for me, putting in efforts on special occasions) , he just can't seem to do it right..edwin always says he loves me..but what kinda love is that when i always end up feeling upset and unhappy and in tears? he says i mean the world to him..what kinda meaning is that when he doesn't even bother to know what i need?

i am losing faith in the relationship again..no matter how hard i try to be positive, i just can't..
i can't seem to trust what edwin says..because he can say one thing in front of me but say or do another kinda thing behind my back..
i need a relationship where the guy cares about valetine's day ( i dun need flowers..but show me that you bother that it is valentine's day)..i need a guys who remembers it is our anniversary..and this guy needs to be willing to do things for that occasion not because of obligation but because he wants to..

i feel like giving up the relationship..because i know that even if we get over with this argument, deep down in my heart, when it comes to valentine's day or anniversaries, i will remember whatever that had happened..even when he tries to do anything for these 2 days, i would still think that he is doing it for the sake of doing it..not because he wants to..so how to survive this kinda relationship for the years to come?

dear god, pls tell me what to do..