gastric flu

felt terrible in the afternoon..
the stomach pain was terrible..
plus every piece of food that i eat end up as diarrhoea..
sigh..i cried again in the afternoon..i just felt terrible..
cos it seems like each time i break up, i will somehow fall sick =(

15th september 2009

hai. now in the staffroom blogging. seems like a bad idea.
felt shitty today. there was science week. din prepare my students properly. in the end, they were stumped by the GOH, the principal and the vice principal who asked them the question. =(
probably cos even i myself also not clear about the reaction. thats why i couldn't prepare the students well. hai. felt quite lousy as a teacher.

*Lesson learnt: prepare students well. do it to the best. *

Yesterday, Joseph said that he's beginning to feel that he can't learn much these few days. today, yanming said that my class is always very noisy. i need to be more strict and stern with them. sigh. im beginning to question my existence as a teacher. I also feel that my lessons are not quite up to standard. seems to have lsot that drive in teaching..perhaps in life as well.. =(

i never knew what it meant by crying a lot until today..
today i really cried till i had headaches..

i dunno why i am so sad..
sad by the fact that edwin said that he can't be with me and ask me don't push him anymore.
he said the real reason for the break up was because he can't tahan my always break up attitude and he doesn't want to go through the whole shit of breaking up again.
why was he ok previously but not now?
he said that machines can break down. even humans can too. he's too emotionally drained.

hai. i am sad because of his sudden change of heart.
from playing guitar and singing on skype.. to this indecision..
he said that even he were to be back with me now, he won't be able to love me as much as before. * heartbreaking*

i told him to protect myself from being miserable, from sitting in front of the laptop waiting for him to talk to me and getting upset when he did not..i told him that i will not talk to him anymore..

but he said that by eradicating him out of my life, the options are closed. if we still remained as friends, options are still open and we might or might NOT become couple again.

he emphasized over and over again that we can still be friends. i remembered i used to tell him that and he said he can't do that so we remained as couple.

i asked him to inform his parents but he said that he did not want to because if he did not inform, the options are still open.

i kept on emphasizing to keep the options open. i guess he probably still has feelings for me. but he is hesitant. should i still harbour hopes? is he the guy worth waiting for?

090909

its edwin's birthday today. its always happy birthday. i suppose he is happy.
but on my part, im feeling kinda down.sigh.

early part of yesterday, my spirits were still high. cos on monday, edwin asked me to go find him in australia..
but when i read his blog in the later part of the day, my spirits went down again..
he mentioned about how life's an irony..how people only learnt to treasure something when they have lost it. BUT he has already past that stage. i kinda sensed his mockery. mocking at me only learning to treasure him when everything's too late. at the same time, it was like a warning to me that since he has past that stage, he no longer treasures me since he has passed that stage.

then i saw him talking about how lonely he would be in summer cos everyone's leaving. it dawned upon me that it could be because he was lonely..thats why he wanted me to go over..
probably not because he really wants me to be there..

sigh..what really saddened me today was cos my mum actually called him on several occassions to ask him to give me a chance..and he refused..
mum's very worried about me..she asked me to give up..dun talk to him anymore..
mum reminded me that for the past one week plus, i have always been the one who is initiating conversations and asking for patch back..he has never taken the initiative to talk to me..if he truly loves me, how could such a simple thing make him give up? and its not the first time that it has happened. mum then said that edwin agreed that his mum was not happy with me after the buy house incident..which is probably why there was the 30 year thinggy.

i have left my msn on for the past few hours..but he has not taken any initiative to talk to me..=(
mum's really right......

maybe i should just give up le...

yesterday, i went to sleep in tears..but it was tears of relief..
cos it felt i was seeing a glimpse of hope from my relationship again..
edwin said that there were manay sms-es of break ups but there were also very nice messages..
he din know what to do..
i guess he probably needs more time..
i just hope that he doesn't push me away totally..

i told him that i will and i want to continue to care for him..
he did not object to it. it felt that he was slowly giving me another chance..

i kinda planned out my december schedule.
28 nov - 5 dec: Cambodia/ Vietnam.
6 dec: alice's wedding
7 dec - 10 dec: Bali with shashi, yanming and roz.
11 dec - 13 dec: ATC
13 dec: Bee Hong's wedding
14 dec: - 16 Dec: rest
17 dec: Cynthia's wedding
18 dec - 29 dec: fly to brisbane.
30 dec: staff meeting and a new year starts.

i was happily looking around for good prices for air tickets..
Jetstar: SGD 1163.84
Qantas: SGD 1190
SIA: SGD 1089

SIA is much cheaper by about 100SGD. it was some kinda promotion that will end today.. and i love the timing cos its a midnight flight to brisbane.
which means i will have enough time to attend cynthia's wedding and then head straight to the airport.

i had such a strong urge to book the air ticket immediately..
but somehow, i was worried about the school calender. if i would be allowed leave till 29 dec.
and i din know how edwin would take it.

hai. so today, i mustered up some courage and asked him if i could go over to visit him..
but the response was "dun need to come over"
hai. my heart shattered once again.
and i secretly teared at my table, during the journey from school to moe hq and from moe hq back home.
perhaps, i had too high expectations..i have too high hopes..thinking that he would be happy to hear the news and receive me with open hands..but i was wrong..
guess i shouldn't be too pushy..
should just give him more free space and time..

tears are an amazing creature..it will just sceretly drop from the corner of your eyes and roll down without you realising it.

its been a week

its been a week since the break-up. but it felt as though its been a year.

time seemed more difficult to pass. i realised how much edwin meant to me..
but perhaps, its too late, the damage is done.
every little thing..every little place..could just bring back memories of me and him..

if i could turn back time, i wouldn't always say i want to break up.
but i have broken so many promises..
i doubt i will be given a chance again..

every night, when im alone and in bed, i just cry myself to sleep.
its painful.
but in the morning, when mum asked me, i just said " im ok." i din want her to be worried for me tho i could sense she was worried.

had a drink with shashi and gang on friday..
i dunno why i ended up vomitting..maybe i really drank too much..
i thot alcohol can help to remove the pain..
but not true..i still ended up in tears..

i went shopping yesterday. at jurong point.
every army guy just reminded me of edwin.
the shops..the eating places..
when i see couples in front of me, tears would just somehow flow out..

went for yellow ribbon run.
saw kaiyong and guan yong.. and later, hong ming and his gf..
i jsut realised edwin was the connection..somehow i felt embarrassed to talk to them..
cos of the failed relationship with edwin..
sigh..as i started running, i just felt how good it would be if edwin was running here with me as well..
but when i thought about whatever that had happened, tears just welled up in my eyes..
perhaps, the dream will never come true..
actually one of the reasons that i make me decide to continue running..
is because i know my dear loves running..if i also run, it would be something that we could do together..
i still remembered that i signed up for standard chartered 21km this year..so that next year, next year i can do my full marathon with edwin since he will be back.
but i wonder if it will happen..

i understand why in drama serials, the female/ male lead will liken the other half like oxygen..
when one loses the other half, the strength to even breathe weakens.

i will wait. perhaps, time will heal the wound..or perhaps time will bring us together again..
i don't know.

30 August 2009

i was upset when edwin asked if i sms-ed his parents before they left on 29 august 2009.
I said i did not. he was a little upset but he said since they have already flown off, he shouldn't be upset.

hai. but i was angry by the fact that he could actually get upset over me not sms-ing his parents.
he tried to explain. but i just couldn't accept his explanation.

the conversation continued and became nasty. perhaps it was my tone.
like i said that my bf could not hold a birthday party for me, he said " is it my choice?"..
perhaps, what i expected was just " never mind. just wait for 1 more year and i can help you organize..

i can't remember what the other part of the conversation was..but i just burst into tears and cried non-stop for the whole night, saying that i want to break up. AND this time round, Edwin agreed.

he refused to patch back even till now. even when mum called, he said " he found no point continuing the relationship since i kept on saying "break up".

these 3 days..i just realised how important he was..
i realised he was the pillar of strength for me for the past 2 years..
i lost total energy in my work..
i couldn't concentrate..