need to be more assertive..

yesterday mm dropped by my house for new year visiting.. cos he happened to be at 12th floor auntie's house for pineapple tarts..
he heard news about me wanting to quit and asked how i was doing..
hmm.. he felt that its probably because i tend to be too responsible..
and its probably cos of the school..
he said that i shouldn't be doing work after school hours..
BUT not being a teacher, he probably doesn't understand the nature of the work..

actually i dunno whats the main problem..probably its just work as a whole..
maybe i just don't like to work..
so does that mean if i do other jobs, i will still be unhappy?

sigh.. its been a bad day at school..even though i only had 2 lessons..
before all the lessons started, an angry parent came to school and demanded to see the NPCC teachers cos the daughter lost her hp and wallet during NPCC training..
the daughter told one of the NPCC teachers (who is not me) but the teacher just brushed her off, saying that it was her fault for not putting the stuffs in NPCC room.
so the mother was angry that the teacher just din care about the whole thing..
all the other NPCC teachers were not available..so it became me who had to handle the whole thinggy..somehow, i felt that i had to help clear up the shit that another teacher has created..
though it was the child's fault, but i had to pacify the mother..
and even had to ask the OM to look at the CCTV to find evidence..
hai.. in the end, the mother went off tho she was still not very happy and said that she would lodge a report.

one lesson was with 2B.. im always fighting a losing battle in class..
i dunno how to have a "peaceful" lesson..
i seemed to have forgotten how to punish people..
or issit because it doesn't seem to work..

hai.. then it was aip with 4a.. hai.. giving remedial to uninterested ppl..
its really demoralising..
Science AIP was not compulsory..
but i still decided to arrange for the AIP..
cos i wanted to help those who needed it..
BUT the students are just here for the sake of being here..
i still have to call parents and chase after students who refuse to come for AIP..
whats the point..
maybe i should just give up..if they refuse to come, just be it..

i'm very tired mentally..probably not physically..
but its kinda worrying cos ppl who see me in school say i look tired..
hai.. i dun want to give the impression that im dying away..
1 year and 10 more months to go..i still thot of continuing with masters..
can i survive?
i always thot i was a strong-willed person..maybe im not afterall..
i thot i could overcome obstacles that come along the way..
but now giving up seems like the best way out..
i guess i have been disillusioned..

hai..after that, it was the hwa chong sabaticcal thing..
tomorrow's the presentation but the students are not ready yet.
somemore, i still allowed them to attend their CCAs until 5pm..
in the end, mr han was super mad..went to scold the students..
the cca teachers pushed the blame to me, sayin that i allowed them to be there..
hai..so mr han was super displeased..
sigh.. i should have been more assertive and insisted that they must prepare for the presentation..instead of allowing them to come only at 5pm..
i felt that the presentation was not up to standard in the end..
hai..then in the end, mr han questioned my capability as a leader..and whether i would be able to lead a group of students to cambodia..
i was upset but perhaps there's some truth in it..even a simple thing like presentation requires the HOD to be involved.. he can't seem to trust me to get things done right..
perhaps, if he wasn't around, things will really not go right..=(

hai.. made me start to think about me as a leader..
anyway i gotta apologize to mdm sal and key tomorrow..
sigh..

but i guess its an awakening call.. i can't really be a leader.. too soft.. not assertive enough..
perhaps im just happy doing what people tell me to do..
was reminded about the mess that i created in jc..
hai.. i guess i dislike who i am..
cos i can't seem to do things right..