went out with edwin last night..
i guess it was a mistake..
i cringe the moment he tries to come close to me..
i could see that he was trying hard to strike conversations with me..
but there were so many moments of silence..
he shared all the unhappiness during his last semester..but i wasn't empathetic at all..
somehow, i seemed to have built up a barrier and wall against him..

i even had to lie about meeting mingmao so that he will not send me home..
i hated myself for having such awkwardness..
for not being able to reciprocate the feelings..
for not being able to salvage everything..
for rejecting him..

and yet, crying over him now..
why? is it cos i have been hurt too badly in relationship?

help me!

thoughts provoking convsersation with mm

"everyone has been depressed before
its just a matter of EQ
control of emotions
and situations
and in your case.
u are too nice and u just conveniently let things happen
thats why u feel that you are suay and cursed
so u gotta take control and protect yourself"

"dun resign to fate"

"sometimes u have to be fake to the right people
dun show your 底牌 to everyone you meet
its dangerous" ( i think i do protect myself by not revealing too much about myself.. so that i do not seem vulnerable.. BUT how to be fake?)

"its you who decide what you are made up"

"you are so blessed to have your youth
treasure it and not waste it.
by being sad all the time"

"u should transfer some of the hatred for yourself to others
you are not making life easier by loving others and hating yourself"

"i believe we should all work towards happiness
and there are many ways to get there
you just have to figure out yours"

missing out on the little things in life

OMG!
I just realised that it was Science Rag yesterday!
I would have loved to go cos school ended at 12noon and i finished printing all my prelim exam papers by 3pm.. =(

sigh.. i can't remember if it slipped my mind to find out the Rag day.. or i was too busy to read the sms-es from rl about rag day..anyway, i also wasn't able to help them on a regular basis for the past few weeks or months.. and i guess i can't really be of much help cos i dun really have much experience..AND there's also the fear of not being able to blend in cos i dun really know many ppl..

in any case, i guess this is probably one of the many regrets that i have had in my life.. for having worked so hard during the holidays..missing out on orientation stuffs.. missing out on rag stuffs..
BUT as what someone would say about me, i can't possibly have a leg in everything..instead of having regrets, perhaps i should look at the positives and move forward.. yea.. so on a positive note, i guess im thankful for being able to be involved in Project Angel..

YET, there comes another problem about myself.. seems like it seems like i can't be there to sustain an interest/ passion for long..i kinda stopped getting myself involved in Project Angel matters after PA10.. whats with setting up Project Angel alumni? whats with the setting up of education fund? its just this feeling of touch and go.. not only for Project angel.. even for the current YEC/ MPS.. for my own teaching career.. for friendships.. relationships..

i need to find a niche area and just focus on it.. rather than be a jack of all trades but master of none..sigh...

had a JC class gathering.. seems like people in our class are doing well.. lawyer.. doctors.. phd student..entrepreneurs..i felt kinda out of place.. cos it seems like people around me are moving forward.. but im still hentak kaki at the same spot for the past few years..

rz says im amazing and always seem so courageous and confident in everything that i do.. i din know that was the image i produced..in actualy fact, I have been trying very hard to put on a STRONG front..bascially i feel like a person with an empty shell..soul-less..

had a new tuition student today.. and found out that he was the student of cynthia..
seems like cynthia's doing well.. cos she's the level dm.. omg.. i guess i can never be up to a job of a dm.. and apparently, she gave all the students a transparent pencil case each.. what a nice teacher.. SIGH.. why am i comparing to other people?

went for the first National Day Dinner today.. qn seems to be able to talk so much to people around.. BUT im like the one who just likes to keep to myself.. and not talk too much when meeting new people.. (which is BAD).. im not that of a socialiser.. YET, its seems like this character is harming me.. after being in YEC for half a year, i barely know new people!

tired.. i need to sleep ..can't write anymore..